He Who Knows
76. But when He did bestow of His bounty, they became covetous, and turned back (from their covenant), averse (from its fulfilment).
77. So He hath put as a consequence hypocrisy into their hearts, (to last) till the Day, whereon they shall meet Him: because they broke their covenant with Allah, and because they lied (again and again).
78. Know they not that Allah doth know their secret (thoughts) and their secret counsels, and that Allah knoweth well all things unseen?
79. Those who slander such of the believers as give themselves freely to (deeds of) charity, as well as such as can find nothing to give except the fruits of their labour,- and throw ridicule on them,- Allah will throw back their ridicule on them: and they shall have a grievous penalty.
80. Whether thou ask for their forgiveness, or not, (their sin is unforgivable): if thou ask seventy times for their forgiveness, Allah will not forgive them: because they have rejected Allah and His Messenger. and Allah guideth not those who are perversely rebellious.
- At-Tawba (9 : 76-80)
On more than one occasion when circumstances have bought me to desperation I find the most reassuring of support in the verses of the Quran.
I don’t know about anyone else but sometimes of all the pages that you could have opened, of all the Surah’s you could have chanced upon arriving to, His words that you need to hear seem fitting with whichever conundrum you’re faced with at that moment.
And if ever there was a time when your faith felt shaken, you read these and it is restored. Even stronger because of it.
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Spellbound
There is nothing quite like the intoxicating smell of books, be it glossy untouched covers with clean virgin angles or musty old ones, dusty and dog-eared. When you open that first page and get hit by the rush of words. They capture you. They fly off the lines. The punctuation build structures around you, kingdoms and empires kidnap you unsuspectingly into their worlds. Your eyes glide along the sentences.
There is something that awakens inside you.
So. About this new bookstore that just opened at the end of the street… I only just discovered the place by chance considering it’s on the other end, which I don’t usually walk past. But yesterday I found myself at the crossroad, walking back from the Dean’s office on an unexpected errand. To the right was our hostel, the direction which I was headed. It was only 4.30 but dusk was approaching fast since it’s November. To my left, the new building adjacent to the park stood new and glitzy. Half the lot was housed by a posh overpriced gym and the other half had never been occupied as far as I had noticed. Until then.
I could say that I was compelled to enter there because of the warm inviting lights that spilled from the glass paneled windows, like soft golden honey on that cold chilly evening. Or maybe just maybe it could have been some strange unexplainable pull, I can’t say for sure. But in there I was, practically getting jizzed in my pants from sheer excitement.
The interior was achingly beautiful. About a quarter of the shelves were still empty, waiting to be filled by books still in boxes that were laying around half open. Two floors worth of reading material. Oh the joy! Granted, probably about only 1% of these were in English, but when you’re staying in a place where the language issue is a barrier and finding a selection of delicious reads you could actually understand is a challenge and a rarity, this is more than enough. You will never be able to comprehend how ecstatic I was to discover the little corner of the store where they kept the books. You know, of the non-Cyrillic variety yayyy.
I haven’t gotten to the best part…
Inside, on one of the walls, was a bookcase. Not just any kind of bookcase though, it was the kind that stood tall from floor-to-ceiling. The kind that takes up such an incredible height that you need a ladder to reach the uppermost shelves. Yep, there was a sliding ladder folks. As L quaintly put it, à la Belle’s library from Beauty & the Beast. If it sounds as if I’m romanticizing this whole deal well I suppose I rather am. You can see I’m quite the happy camper yes indeed. Even though selection-wise this bookstore has hardly what the ones back home have to offer, for the time being it’s my little piece of heaven on earth while I’m still here in Moscow.
p/s: The girl who works there is SO adorable. She looks like Dakota Fanning with the wide innocent eyes exactly, but exuded a vibe several shades cooler (does this even make any sense ha). There was some sort of ethnic tattoo on the nape of her neck and was dressed like a lookbook model although in a completely non-pretentious way what with her I’m-here-to-help-but-you’re-free-to-browse-for-as-long-as-you’d-like-and-I-won’t-hover smile (don’t you just hate sales-people who hover?). And and aaand the bestest part was she gave me a discount on the paperback I bought because it had a slight dent on the front and she couldn’t find me a nicer copy. Hee.
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And If You Should Bleed
On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) “Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which You did lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Protector; Help us against those who stand against Faith. (Al-Baqarah, verse 286)
I cannot help more than through my prayers. Remember, you are not alone in the challenges you face. Because we have Him, and there is no greater assistance than His.
You have prepared your armor. You are doing what must be done. You will get through this victorious, I shall pray for the best.
For us both, Amin.
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Another White Dash
This is my name, written in the Thaana script of Dhivehi language.
Today was the first day of snow.
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Staring back at me
I went through these entries reading back on what I wrote back then, just sorting things out. Laughing at myself some.
Funny how it all seemed so important at the time.
Just a couple of days ago during our Usrah discussion the subject came up – of how, being as we were so peculiarly dressed all covered up like such, it was very often that you get the old Evil Eye from a passerby. Especially if you were on the met when there were no available seats, on the day you just happened to be wearing a particularly striking pink scarf to class, stuck in a jam-packed wagon in an awkward position facing some immaculately groomed Russian lady…
For whom during the entire duration of the train’s journey didn’t even try to be discreet about inspecting you up and down and look at you like an insect under a microscope.
Back when we just arrived here I remember still being excited about spreading our Malaysian friendliness, thinking that what could go wrong if you just kept a cheerful face on maybe just maybe they’d drop their dour demeanor for a tiny second and we could all shake hands and get to know each other or something like that. 5 years in, I would tell you that with these Russian? It’s pr0bably just much easier to avoid eye contact altogether.
But back to the point. My friend doing the talking for the Usrah, she mentioned how she had gotten to know some of the Muslim locals here. And how she was entirely sympathetic to them, for they have been suppressed from obtaining and practicing Islam for so long under Soviet rule. And they want to know so bad, they yearn to obtain the knowledge on prayer and the Quran but they don’t have any resources to do so here in this place. This friend of mine went on to tell us how recently she had been approached by a fellow Russian Muslim, with their intention of learning the correct way to pray.
So now she’s teaching them, Subhanallah.
She also said, shouldn’t we be ashamed? In Malaysia all these things are just there for the taking. If only you had the will to find your way you needn’t look far for guidance. I know that I’m making it sound simpler than it really is but until those spiritual comforts have been taken away from you, it’s easy to take it all for granted.
The other thing about our weekly Usrahs is this: It is so humbling to have juniors that are more religiously well-versed than you. I mean, I know I have a lot to work on myself still. And I do try, but having them share all these fascinating things about Islam while being that much younger just makes me want to try harder.
As one of them repeated to us. Allah created man for two reasons;
- To worship Him (Az-Dzariyat, verse 56 - I have only created Jinns and men, that they may serve Me)
- As Caliphs, or to become leaders (Al- Baqarah, verse 30) - And when your Lord said to the angels, I am going to place in the earth a khalif, they said: What! wilt Thou place in it such as shall make mischief in it and shed blood, and we celebrate Thy praise and extol Thy holiness? He said: Surely I know what you do not know)
The first is self explanatory. The second, my junior continued, begs us to ponder the question of who we are and how much we are doing to gain the most of not only this world but also the Hereafter. What we have done with our lives thus far. Is it making a difference towards the betterment of the Ummah? Being a Muslim these days, the responsibility to withhold it is more challenging than ever.
And there is a choice to sit it out really, I’m thoroughly aware of my shortcomings as a good Muslimah myself so who am I to act like I’m worthy to correct others? But one line she said struck a chord in me, deep.
“Are you going to become an observer, or a player?”
Anyway I came aross this old post and I remember writing that one after a particularly tiring day, having travelled long and far to get back from class I had felt like I was a specimen on display yet again. And while it still is a horrible way to feel, perhaps these Russians deserve the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I should assume the uncomfortable looks they throw my way to be that of curiosity rather than misguided suspicion. It’s no secret that the many Russians here are just Muslims by name and not actually practicing Muslims, but it could hardly be their fault when you think of it.
If they stare, then it could just be that they are looking for a way to understand, and maybe a kind gesture would open the door for them to become interested to search further for the Truth. Why deny them the opportunity to take a good long look at the beauty of our religion, or myself the chance to spread it? And so I’m going to ditch the eye-rolling plus scowl combo I’ve come to adopt (because that works sometimes they get embarrassed when they realize you notice them staring and they instantly avert their gaze, with quite a guilty expression plastered on their faces too!), and go for a smile instead.
It might not be much, but it’s a start right.
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This time.
In the past year or so things have been rather rough compared to the rest of my time spent here. The people who know me would say that I overanalyze the little things too much, and they’d probably be right. But I’ve learnt a lot, I think, and I know I’ll look back on everything knowing that this little test I had to go through had served it’s purpose, and I now understand myself more than I did then.
There are people who try to break you. They always do. They never think that they are, so they do it without remorse or guilt. They do it because they believe they are right, because with their set of values… they are.
I’m glad us girls have gotten our congregational prayer sessions straightened out after so long, considering all the time we’ve been staying under one roof. It’s such a simple way to promote a sense of closeness. We might not share much common ground when it comes to lifestyle choices and perspectives, but I know our Faith binds us stronger than anything else. And they are my proverbial rock, each and every single one of them. Whether they realize this or not.
Like my dad always likes to say, when real life situations enter the grey area of fuzzy definitions it’s not that hard to find your way – the answer is always in the most certain of places. In His Words, and in His Prophet’s teachings. You’ll never stray far once you’ve got that down.
It’s about living it, you know? The search for a deeper comprehension in your beliefs, learning how to apply this in your daily actions, spreading the word. All well and good, but ultimately it’s about you living it. In how you behave. The words you choose, the people you hang out with, the clothes you wear. The things you associate yourself with.
What you practice is always, always > What you preach.
And this is a reminder.
To myself more than anyone else.
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Unpause
Been thinking about this for a while now.
Pressing Play.
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pause.
A Friend Unseen.
(Dedicated to Internet Friends)
It’s strange to have a friend
that you have never hugged
lightly touched their arm
or looked into their eyes.
But you have
touched their soul
felt their heart
been embraced by
the warmth of their being.
A friend unseen
is not a friend untouched.
The eyes of the soul will gaze
the heart will embrace
the image will stand tall
but only in a dream.
Original poetry by Patricia Walter (February 2000) ⓒ
I don’t think I’ll be writing here anymore for a while.
p/s: Decided to get rid of the floating snow.
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statue-statuesque.
Rock bottom.
Decembers always bring me down, but never this far.
So I’ve been a little out of it since last month’s Opthalmo finals when I determinedly pushed myself to go without sleep to sit for an exam that we only took three classes for. And then things began piling. Bit by bit, inch by inch like snow. I guess somehere along the line I snapped.
Oh I’ve been here before. Back then I didn’t think I had an anchor, like now. The worst is over and the aftermath… the aftermath I can take this time.
No I am not fragile. At least I wouldn’t want to admit that I am. I’m just a little bit of a screw-up maybe. Fixable definitely. But healing takes time. And time means waiting. And I’ve never been one for patience.
There are so many people I want to apologize to.
To thank.
To say ‘I Love you’ to, because I hardly say it enough.
I know this shall pass.
Although for now, for now I would like to just to lie in this song
Bloc Party’s Signs.
Listen to the glockenspiels so dreamy so beautiful like being lost inside a closed music box where no one can break me touch me find me.
It’s safe here.
I could sleep forever these days.
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Tags: bloc party, music, winter
sometimes unreal.
Lately, it seems like things keep spinning in perpetual motion. Relentlessly. And I can’t sleep at night and then the days are spent in a daze and I close my eyes lying in bed trying but all I get is more of the spinning.
Oh I just want to go home.
It’s when the fuzzy lines take on such clarity, but then again really… you always did kinda sorta know didn’t you?
Ingrid Michealson’s The Chain (Live from Webster Hall).
But I don’t say a lot of things.
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Tags: ingrid michealson, stars
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