On Death

30Mar10

A shot of Park Kultury, the day after.

Today a friend asked me:

“Maddie, do you have any plans on what to do? I mean, if anyone attacked you, how would you react?”

I found this question extremely off point. Really. Was I supposed to describe a thought-out scenario that detailed some step by step method of saving myself? Everyone started pitching helpful suggestions, there was a mention of carrying along mace, and that I should travel in a group as an extra precaution. I do agree that these are all pretty useful ways to increase my safety but in actuality, who can really be prepared for any misfortune that comes their way?

Fight back and run for my life. That shall be what I would do, and I might die trying of course (L told me to stop with the death related puns. Okay okay, last one!)… But what kind of an answer was my friend looking for anyway?

Yesterday, the morning of the bomb blasts. I woke up as usual, brushed my teeth and got dressed like always. Walked to the metro station as if it were any other day, completely unaware of the events that were about to unfold. Even being on the train itself as it came to a slow halt inside the tunnels (something that hardly ever occurs, never for that long, anyway), everyone was more worried about geting to their destinations on time than anything else.

Somehow even with limited reception underground I remember texting Amahl about being trapped on the unmoving train. He joked how the driver was probably taking a pee. At that time I still had no idea.

When we got to Park Kultury it was pandemonium. A sea of confused people everywhere, scrambling for the exits and escalators, spilling onto the platforms and trying to get onto outgoing trains, climbing over railings. They evacuated all of us eventually, and I know I was lucky. Just a little bit earlier, I would’ve gone straight ahead and switched trains at Lubyanka like I should have. Just a little be later and I would not have gotten past Park Kultury, possibly get hit by the second explosion. Thought-pondering stuff right there.

I still had to use the metro on the way back yesterday though, even after finding out what happened. In fact, for this entire week I’ll just have to. Police are suddenly everywhere, camera crews and photographers interspersed with the crowd, recording footage of the aftermath. They had memorials set up at Park Kultury with flowers for the dead. And although I don’t exactly have much love for the Russians, it was still a gut-wrenching sight to witness.

The tragedy that befell them was a tragedy to us all.

It was a feeling like being misplaced, watching as people laid flowers for the dead and yet going about as usual, taking the train like I do every day.

As to my friend’s question, what I would do?

I know the reason she asked was out of concern for my safety. In our group there are only two of us who wear headscarves. As it happens I don’t tolerate dilly-dallying on foot in the least. Walking alone is how I save time but nobody else can ever really keep up so it’s become a habit for me to travel by myself. Some of us have resorted taking paid cabs to get to class instead of the metro, but I’m not willing to fork out so much money especially since the cab drivers have hiked up their fare following the event.

In comparison, during the New York terrorists attack taxi drivers drive free of charge. On March 29, Moscow – taxis turn up their prices 10 fold (from Aini Hanan‘s twitter feed, this made me so SO angry). How anyone could take advantage of other people’s misery totally escapes me.

It’s not that I’m that much of a cheapskate that I’m willing to risk my life just to save money. Nor am I so careless to flagrantly walk around in public without the knowledge that I am an obvious target for retaliation. And I’m absolutely clear on the fact that every other Moscow citizen seeing me in my scarf would inevitably feel a tinge of suspicion and anxiety about being in the same vicinity as a girl wearing a scarf. I would understand their anxiety, considering how very recently the horror  was, how everything is burnt fresh in their memories. Their apprehension towards us hijabi’s, practically palpable.

I am scared. Trust me, I really am.

But I’m also aware that this is what fear does. It makes people mistrust each other and everyone always want someone to blame for the things that have happened. As long as I am capable of taking care of myself I shall, but I will not let that fear, mine or anyone else’s get the best of me.

No, I am not prepared to die either. God knows I’m so far from ready. I am however prepared to accept the possibility of dying at any given moment. Death is closer to us than we could ever hope to realize. Always. However well equipped we might believe we are to face it.

Say: “Death, from which you are fleeing, will certainly catch up with you. Then you will be returned to the Knower of the Unseen and the Visible, and He will inform you about what you did.” (Surah al-Jumu‘a, Verse 8)

The whole incident has been an incredibly significant reminder for me. A chance to reflect on my 23 years of life so far, what I’ve accomplished not merely as an individual but most importantly as Allah’s servant. The relationship I have with people and with God. And how I still need very much work on all of these things.

To everyone that called/texted/messaged to check on me, thank you immensely for your prayers (especially L, your voice was a comfort and the depth of your concern, I am beyond grateful for. You are a friend that makes living such a precious thing indeed).

Three months to go before home, insyaAllah.

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